Losing the sense of Self

Don't forget to let me know

DIRT

I may not need a Dre.

But I sure as hell could use some stability and love.

A landslide brought me down

Recent tribulation may bring a major life alteration for us.

Yes, I'd be lying if I say I am not afraid of the change.

"I've been afraid of changing because I've built my life around you"

But hey, who knows. Time may make us bolder.

Whirlwind

Written on 24th May 2011
updated 2 days later.

Have a crick in my neck again. This time is the worse whiplash I've ever suffered from a rough weekend.
 ...No wait, I've had worse. Yeah. This makes a second one.
This time around I wake up with the runny nose+headache package. Lethargy brings dull thuds into my steps.
I have just spent the weekend zooming across several states, namely Johor, N9 and KL. I had to juggle between Batu Pahat, JB, KL and PD for work, family and friends.
Keeping a rocky marriage afloat and juggling work, family and personal life is a real toughie.
I guess you can say I am whining but have a look at my driving schedule last week. Might be lightweight to many of you but hey, IAB stands for ME:

Friday: BP - JB for a meeting at JPN late after school.

Saturday: JB - KL to catch up with some friends. Managed to hang at Daphne's hens nite. Ahh..the excitement of getting married eh?

http://benafiaskys.wordpress.com/2008/05

Sunday: KL - PD to finally finally! spend some time with the family. I miss the kids and of course, the food!
Plus I am known among my closest friends to have the tightest knit of kin everr. As Mieza said she has never seen an entire family (relatives) coming together like mine, running the show 'turun padang' to make a wedding successful, from the youngest member to the oldest.
So, naturally, to separate me from them would be killing my lifeline.

Monday: BP - JB to go to JPN yet again but this time to ask for a transfer. Yes, I have finally kowtowed  to circumstances. I have to transfer to JB in order to eliminate the pains of travelling.
Don't get me wrong. I LOVE travelling....IF i get to enjoy the scenes, people, food and culture.
But the kind of travelling I have been doing is one that involves nothing but driving at high speed with nothing to ponder upon other than the thought of the people waiting at the end of the journey. Only that keeps me going.
Unfortunately, not all travels go as planned...obviously. Sometimes I get to the destination to a less than lukewarm welcome.
Can't blame them. Shit happens. I'm not entirely a fluffy cotton candy after a long drive post workday either.

Wednesday: BP - Yong Peng - BP. A late night driving in pitch darkness, squinting every time a car passes by (curse my astigmatism!). The Yong Peng road is not a road you want to travel on at 11pm coming back from collecting your District Level Celebration for Hari Guru award.

So anyway, now I am just nursing my tired body and soul until I have to reactivate my driving superwoman mode yet again come holidays. Bring it on.

Please. Make it stop.

Drafted on 20 April 2011

It hurts right here
Smack in the middle of my chest.
Like being punched only once or twice,
so there is no certain wound.
I feel it from time to time.
Like when I stopped driving but I cannot get out.
Or when I curled up on a bed screaming into the sheets.
Once I dropped down to the floor in the showers.
And once I stood crying against a railing,
in an empty hallway,
at 5am awoken from a dream.
But other times my chest is just a void,
my mind blank.
I stare into space sometimes hoping against hope,
I would be relieved of this pain.

I just wish that someone would've told me

All I wanted is

Michelle Branch - "All You Wanted" Official Music Video

I wanted to be like you
I wanted everything
So I tried to be like you
And I got swept away

I didn't know that it was so cold
And you needed someone
to show you the way
So I took your hand and we figured out
That when the time comes
I'd take you away

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
was somebody who cares

I'm sinking slowly
So hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
was somebody who cares

All you wanted was somebody who cares
If you need me you know I'll be there
Oh, yeah

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
was somebody who cares

Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone

Lord give me strength

alahai nasib badan.
How did I end up here?

JT can twirl around me all he wants! *drool*

Lets take it by the horn, darling!

Kalau takut dilambung ombak,
jangan berumah di tepi pantai.

True dat.

down in the dumps

Sometimes,
even if we try very hard,
even if we put a smile on our faces,
even if we plan and plot and keep moving forward,
deep down we feel a tug.
That brings us back down
down in the dumps.

...and all your tears will subside

Not yet

Husband reassured that he'll be there for me when the time comes.
He promised not to vomit or pass out.
He'd even video tape the whole thing.
And will spend countless hours waiting patiently armed with his netbook. 
('will' =  a modal verb to indicate a certain future. Keyword : CERTAIN)


Promises ey?


I refuse to watch that famous video everyone was talking about.
He however, got excited by it.


Then, I read this blog post:
http://aididmuaddib.blogspot.com/2011/04/lightning-crashes.html


I so horribly missed the message conveyed. I focussed on the blow-by-blow description instead.
Damn. I'm spooked.


In case you are wondering, no, we're not preggers yet. But at least 3 to 4 people have already almost-congratulated us, including one doctor. I wonder what it was that they see in our faces to assume so.
...
If only they know how deep the water runs beneath..

I thought using a non-human photo reduces the 'ngilu' feeling a bit. No?

10 Marriage Myths Busted Don't Fall for These Marriage Myths By Sheri & Bob Stritof

Straight on blow by blow copy paste because I don't have the strength to talk about an issue I am apparently clueless about.

If you rely on any of these myths to strengthen your marriage, you will be disappointed. These marriage myths belong in the shredder.

Myth 1:

Love is all you need to have a successful marriage.

Truth: Although love is extremely important in your marriage, to have a successful marriage, your relationship needs much more.

Myth 2:

Your spouse should fill your needs.

Truth: Although everyone has emotional needs, expecting your spouse to fill all these needs is unfair and unreasonable.

Myth 3:

You can save your marriage by having a baby.

Truth: Parents need to be lovers. If your marriage is in trouble, don't think having a baby will make things better between the two of you. Generally, having a baby adds stress to a marriage. Having a baby may lessen the amount of quality time alone and also lessen spontaneous sex in your marriage.

Myth 4:

You can change your spouse.

Truth: You can't change your spouse. The only person you can truly change is yourself.

Myth 5:

It only takes one of you to save your marriage.

Truth: Regardless of what or who created problems in your marriage, it will take both of you being willing to face and to talk about the difficult issues in order to save your marriage.

Myth 6:

Living together before you get married guarantees a long lasting marriage.

Truth: Cohabitation does not necessarily give the two of you an easy road ahead in your marriage.

Myth 7:

If you have a successful marriage, you are just lucky.

Truth: Couples who have long lasting marriages generally have both commitment and friendship in their relationship with one another.

Myth 8:

Don't go to bed angry. Finish the fight.

Truth: Sometimes, getting a good night's sleep is more important than trying to finish an argument when you are both exhausted. Set an appointment within the next 24 hours tofinish the fight.

Myth 9:

The longer you are married, the closer you will become.

Truth: If they didn't spend quality time together in the pre-empty nest years, more and more couples who have been married 30 or more years are getting divorced.

Myth 10:

It is important to spend all your free time together.

Truth: Time alone is an important aspect of who you are as an emotionally healthy individual.

Add on Myth 11:

If he's a cheat from before marriage, don't expect that philandering habit to go away once you are bonded in holy matrimony. To them holy don't mean shit.

Have a happy marriage! :)

John Legend - Everybody Knows

No baby girl, sometimes getting hurt and moving on are part and parcel of growing up.

Just. let it go.

Faith in you since I was an angsty teen.

Cool muse while doing work late at night:

http://youtu.be/q-XLvUpvjZo

rain rain go away

If there is just ONE thing that totally irks me it has to be

MOODY GRUMPY PEOPLE.  


U can identify them from miles away when they are having their swing
- audible breaths - indicating pent up anger. Like duh, what is it that you have, cancer? Aids? Does your problem really not have any solution to it?


- bang things - to get attention. Not very different than a baby's tantrum. Excuse me, are you 3 years old? Can't you just COMMUNICATE properly?


- swearing - you have to be raised by a truck driver to have such a shining vocabulary. This does nothing but makes the people around the person feel unsafe.


- road rage - It's okay if you want to kill yourself. Just don't drag others down the grave with you. Please. Most of us have a good life and loving people we do not wish to disappoint.


- annoying tone of voice - again, are you 3?


The main reason I dislike grumpy people is mainly because my mood and state of mind is very easily influenced / affected by them.
I don't  know about you, but I LIKE being happy and positive. When I have these people banging things in front of me - making me jump, or steal extra amount of my oxygen with their horse-like snorts I really, really just want to get far away from them for fear that I just might hurt them with my bare hands.


There is no harm in voicing your dissatisfaction or opinion. There are better ways to get attention than throwing things around.


Try taking deep breaths and put your annoyance into words. Tell people what is it that they do that you do not see fit. Let people know how it makes you feel.


eg: It disappoints me that no matter how hard I try, you are not happy.
eg: It really annoys me when you speak like that. Please lower your voices!
eg: I do not understand why idiots like them cut my line.


These of course can be accompanied with different tone of voice (note: controlled anger), facial expression, body language and maybe, hand gestures (minus the middle finger move - it doesn't make you look smart, though I know some circumstances REALLY does deserve it. Not all the time tho)


I have grown up with these kind of people and personally, I think they create a toxic environment when they get into their swings.
Thankfully, the persons I grew up with have reduced their moodiness and change their ways as they get older.
I just do not want to be reminded of how painful it is living within a close proximity to a grouch.
It makes my blood boil and curdle, alternatively, I fear I might die of stroke or pulmonary disease.


I may have my anger management problem too due long term suppressed anger and dissatisfaction when I was growing up. But I have learned from a pragmatic person whom I adore to this day that voicing out, communicating and discussing are better ways to get things done or across.


Yes, we are happy shiny people, does that annoy you?

wish list

1. a trip to remote islands in Sabah
2. grab and answer YES to every airasia deals that have been spamming my email and phone.
3. to know where the heck I'll be next year. This house? That place? Which state?
4. to be able to start building mom's house before she gets too old to even see the wall finishing.
5. to leave.this.place
6. to finally embark on my Masters degree coz I damn deserve it.
7. to first figure out the field I am interested to pursue in the first place!
8. to be able to get praises and reassurance without having to demand for them.
9. give Maxis the up-yours sign for their messed up signal strength in spots that are vital to me.
10. live in a cleaner, more hygienic place that is not just waiting to be burn down to get sanitized.

tbc-

perfect wedding song

You me and everyone else: a Bridezilla's approach

CAUTION: if you tend to show allergic reactions to angsty Bridezilla's posts, by all means, click away from this page.

As hinted, I have been planning a wedding for months now.
Unfortunately, I too have fallen into the rut where every decision meets a brick wall.
Frustrations, indecisive-ness (is this a word?), cancellations, rejections, coups and many other unforeseen threats just drive me nuts week in week out.
No, I do not blog about my 'adventures' much because... I'm just not that type. So many ppl can't  read my thoughts, do not know my hopes and wishes and just are not aware of my ups and downs.
But,
Here just In This Box, I want to clearly state one thing that has raised it's ugly head every now and then in the past few months while I'm running around planning (p/s- I do feel ashamed to have this feelings that I could not deny):

I. hate. people who, upon being around bride-to-bes, turn everything to be about them them them them.

Exhibit A

bridetobe: Um, my mom has hijacked my wedding gown designs and is now directing me about what NOT to wear *tears*

bimb#1: Gee, I wonder what I'M gonna wear to your wedding. I saw this dress once blablabla. When I get married, I'm SO DAMN sure I would be wearing blablabla.

Exhibit B

-bridetobe and bimb#2 go out shopping for cakes-

bimb#2: oh.my.god. THAT is going to be MY wedding cake. Yes, I know I'm not engaged yet, and that boy I went out with last Sunday seems to be more interested in his hair more than anything, but still, I'm already booking my caterer!

So you see, I acknowledge that we all have our preferences and yes, many many girls plan and plot their dream wedding every now and then throughout their lives. However, I really hate to break it to you that when it comes to wedding, it IS all about the BRIDE. Even the Groom pales in comparison. Don't believe me? Try being one. Ok fine,I'm biased. Do try reading through magazines or wedding websites and you'll understand what I mean.

Here I summarize a few points that may (or may not, who cares) represent Bridezillas' thoughts in general.
1. We are already so stressed out with the many arrangements we have to deal with, let alone the budget, the MOTHER OF THE BRIDE and time constraints (oh yes, with wedding, there is no "too long"). So, any unhelpful input is just...unnecessary noise.

2. Be mindful that brides just need help and support. So, please keep YOUR wedding to yourself first until it is time and just be there FOR us (unless you are getting married at the same time, then by all means, yay to us and lets share tips!). If we do not consider you a good friend (or sibling) we wouldn't have bothered you with our qualms pertaining to the wedding prep in the first place.

http://claytonaustinlovestories.com/blog/2009/10/brea-bridals/

3. It is understood that everybody has their rights to voice opinions and preferences but please keep unnecessary stuff to a minimum. We all like being in la la land so, be kind and let bride-to-bes have their moments ok?

4. It's not like we do not care what you look like on our wedding day or what your hopes and dreams are for your big day. It's just that our braincells are filled and fully preoccupied with the matter at hand. This is especially so when we are stressed out because the card-maker is on vacation or because the caterer sangat 'syok sendiri'. So thousand apologies fr not being able to be more empathetic towards YOU.

I think I may have more but at the moment, this is all I have to vent about. May weddings continue to be a crazy journey we all look forward to but want to get it over and done with all at the same time.